I have always said when my ship comes in I will probably be at the airport. But let’s imagine I am on a luxury yacht sailing through remote islands of the South Pacific. Suddenly a rogue wave capsizes the vessel and I am washed ashore with the only other survivor: a man ten years my junior with a smirk and crazy survival skills. Of course in this fantasy, I am a younger, thinner and more beautiful version of myself. Instantly the two of us realize we have only our wits and each other to survive and joke we are an older version of the teenagers from “Blue Lagoon”.
Unlike the original female castaway, however, I require certain beauty essentials to maintain my allure. My companion, however, is devilishly handsome with a 3-day stubble and hair a few days past its ordinary styling schedule. While it is maddening how men of a certain age only appear more attractive when faced with a lack of grooming products, there are those of us who feel like Quasimodo without a blow dryer and lip gloss. So what’s a girl to do in such dire circumstances?
Immediately I take stock of my surroundings. There are palm trees everywhere. Excellent! My companion, whose name is Sam (and bears a striking resemblance to a young Sam Elliot) sees them as a source of food and skillfully smashes one open against a sharp rock. He hands it to me to relieve my parched throat. I, the consummate multi-tasker, imagine washing my hair with the milk while acknowledging the sweet nectar will do wonders for my skin.
The coconut is obviously a godsend. The hairy outer covering can be used as both dental floss and a rudimentary toothbrush. Maybe I can crush the meat to make toothpaste and moisturizer! I imagine using it to shave my legs (if I had a razor) and to keep my cuticles supple. With SPF4, it will make a great tanning elixer and lip balm. I will survive this … and smell amazing at the same time! Me and Sam and coconut. This must be what heaven is like.
Sam went to look for fresh water. I immediately reason that if he finds it, I will have a source for bathing. But he is not thinking about that, bless him. He just wants us to live more than 3 or 4 days. Meanwhile, I scour the beach for anything that might have washed in with the tide. Alas, no eye serum or sunscreen. No hairbrush or change of clothes. Not even a splinter from the boat. Uh oh.
It all began to feel surreal. I ran my fingers through my still wet locks and realized I have no detangler! Oh please don’t let anyone find me like this! Reluctantly I decided it may be time to try the No-Poo method. But no. The humble coconut will sustain me. I will somehow fashion a shampoo from the milk.
Soon Sam returned with good news and bad news. The good news is he found water. The bad news is we have to treck through the jungle to reach it. Although he didn’t see any, Sam suspects there may be snakes and wild boar on the island. We arm ourselves with a couple of small coconuts to throw at whatever may be out there. But being part Tarzan and part Crocodile Dundee, Sam ripped off the bottom half of his T-shirt and fashioned a slingshot with a Y-shaped piece of driftwood. I may be in love!
By sunset we had fresh water but were famished. Sam had the brilliant idea that I should participate in our survival having no idea I am not used to manual labor. My lack of upper body strength made hauling rocks from the edge of the jungle to the beach exhausting, however we managed to create a trap for fish in a small inlet. Sam aligned the rocks in a v-formation pointing into the water just as the tide began to roll in. I was skeptical but could not fault in his optimism and decided to humor him. When he wasn’t looking, I swiped coconut into my sweaty armpits. I don’t know yet if it is an effective deodorant but this experience has made me extremely open to the possibility.
Sam dragged palm fronds from the jungle and shaped a small pyramid. He used more rocks to outline our makeshift firepit and before I could even say, “how are you going to start a fire with that?” Sam had literally rubbed two sticks together to ignite a spark. Again, the coconut provided. We used the husks to stoke the fire and soon a roaring blaze dissipated the evening chill.
Next, Sam stripped palm branches down to the bare wood using a thin flat rock. Before long he constructed a lean-to frame next to the firepit using small vines to tie it all together. I wove branches together to make a canopy for our shelter, thankful for my Girl Scout badge in basketweaving. While I was hard at work, Sam gathered leaves and moss to make two comfy twin beds inside. What a gentleman! I’m beginning to think coconut palms are nature’s Leatherman.
Sam noticed I kept fidgeting with my shoulder length hair and fashioned a comb from a branch freed from a small bush. Gratefully, I ran it through my locks, twisted it into a ponytail onto the top of my head and used a few straight sticks to hold it all in place. Sam asked if I’d done this before so I merely smiled as I used a pea-sized piece of coconut meat to smooth my split ends. See – I have skills, too!
We dined on the fish and crab that first night. It was the most delicious meal I’d ever tasted and the beginning of a keto diet that quickly helped me shed twenty pounds. For the first week, I would have gladly sacrificed Sam for a doughnut, but soon lost my taste for anything sweeter than Sam’s kiss or the coconut we had in abundance.
For six glorious months we languished on the island. Over time our friendship became a love I had never known was possible. We settled into a domesticity that was comfortable, yet exhilarating. In no time at all we were both taut and tanned from working together to create our own Eden. Eventually we were even brave enough to try other vegetation, although coconut continued to be a mainstay of our diet. All in all, it was pretty darned close to perfect.
Although we built a bonfire every night, I secretly hoped we would never be found. But alas, one day our bliss was interrupted by the unmistakable sound of a helicopter we realized originated from a nearby aircraft carrier appearing like a speck on the horizon. As it hovered over the beach, I was extremely grateful but a part of me hoped Sam was disappointed our adventure was coming to an end.
We gathered our meager belongings, bid our haven goodbye and allowed our rescuers to usher us aboard the chopper. Just as we lifted off, I noticed my suitcase lodged on a rock down by the lagoon. Sam saw it, too, and giving his signature crooked smile squeezed my hand. I may never know if it was love or coconut, but maybe I hadn’t needed $500 worth of beauty products after all!
Ok. I know I could have just given you a few beauty tips about the benefits of coconut without all the hoopla but it would not have been nearly as much fun for either of us. What are you waiting for? Go buy a coconut!
