Before launching this blog, I came across an whimsical news story I wrote prior to the 2016 election. In it, I speculated about the reaction of the news media, candidates and other government officials to the sudden appearance of flying pigs. There would be disbelief, I thought, but more importantly everyone would be forced to come to terms with all the things they claimed they would do as a result of this unlikely event. I hope you enjoy it:

WASHINGTON, DC – AUGUST 31, 2016 – BREAKING NEWS: In what can only be labeled pademonium erupted today when a five year old girl asked her father for a baby brother. Her father responded, “Sure, honey, when pigs fly.” Imagine his astonishment when she pointed to the a slightly cloudy blue sky above where a v-formation of porcine angels was passing overhead. The man and his wife immediately fainted. The child, however, was ecstatic.

As the story of the phenomenon spread, local and national news outlets began chasing the pigs via helicopter and broadcast vans. The Air Force scrambled jets to intercept in order to escort them to Dulles International Airport. The Secretary of State, John Kerry, warned the pigs’ intent was not known at this time and cautioned against taking military action against them. He then resumed being a scarecrow.

Fox News anchors toasted the piggies on air with sparkling cider and continued its coverage of the presidential election. In an interview from her home in Alaska (where she can see Russia) Sarah Palin said the pigs were NOT wearing lipstick. Donald Trump claimed the sighting as an endorsement of his White House bid. There was also footage of a rally where Bernie Sanders just kept yelling: “The revolution has started!” Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi spontaneously combusted.

When the Clinton campaign was contacted regarding the story, Mrs. Clinton responded, “What difference does it make?” and snorted with derision. Miss Piggy responded by karate-chopping Clinton in the throat while shouting “HI-YA!”

White House spokesman, Josh Earnest, quickly denounced the siting as a sign of global warming. Later, President Obama was seen playing golf while eating a pulled pork sandwich.

Meanwhile, the Justice Department could not find just cause to detain the pigs. When asked whether the animals were USDA certified pork, Loretta Lych stated she was looking into it; however, she could not rule out the possibility the pigs were in the country illegally. Donald Trump quickly tweeted: “These are American pigs. Pigs are great and they are going to make America great again! If it turns out they are not American pigs, Mexico will pay for the sty to keep them in!”

Over at the FBI, James Comey appeared to be clueless regarding the report but refused to leave the building in case the pigs decided to dive-bomb him. At the CIA, however, there were a lot of back slaps and high fives.

Farmer Joe Brown, speaking on behalf of the pigs, vehemently denied any intent to disrupt air traffic and was simply not aware of the need to file a flight plan with the FAA. He declined to answer why only the lower half of his arms were tanned, claiming that information was unrelated to the swine siting.

Speaking for the Hollywood elite, George Clooney (who once owned a pet pig) praised the courage of these majestic beasts. Fox News caught up with him as he was promoting his new movie, Animal Farm by George Orwell. In a remake of the story for the big screen, Clooney plays the swine Napoleon. It is the first time human beings have taken the roles traditionally held by animals in this allegorical and dystopian novella. The director, Quentin Tarantino, plays Snowball. An anonymous entertainment insider was quoted as saying, “This is typecasting at its best.” Several other casts members went “wee-wee-wee” all the way home. The Big Bad Wolf could not be reached for comment as he had been turned for a part in the movie and was understandably bitter.

Psychologists have been dispatched to multiple locations throughout the metro area in order to help citizens and members of Congress deal the flying pig fallout. It is expected other major cities will follow suit. The entire workforce of government employees is expected to call in sick tomorrow with swine flu as they begin piecing together their course of action for the next few days. It is recommended people begin immediately compiling a list of all the things they must do unless they wish to be taunted with “liar, liar, pants on fire!” for failure to accomplish the things they said they would NEVER do unless and until pigs (in fact) fly. It is a daunting and terrifying task for many.

From a legal standpoint, lawyers were quick to point out their clients likely never attached a timeframe to the actions they previously committed to performing in this event. The Supreme Court is expected to rule unanimously in favor of the pigs if ligitation reaches them. The National Pork Board is also expected to try to cash in on the flying hoofed mammal compensation built into the $150 billion Iran deal. In keeping with their strict policy of passing only bad legislation, the House and Senate (ironically) vowed to kill any measure in support of swine. Lawyers for the National Pork Board responded by labeling the term “pork spending” as hate speech.

Regardless of how the school of public opinion, political pundits, celebrities or the legal community may interpret the aeronautical exploits of flying even-toed ungulates, I must (in all good conscience) honor these hogs by owning up to my own truth. So, as a public service, I will list ten things I must do starting tomorrow. This list is by no means complete, but I must start somewhere. Perhaps in revealing my fate, it will it encourage others to face their new reality. Starting tomorrow:

1. Get married again
2. Lose weight (fortunately there is no timeframe or amount quantified)
3. Tell the truth on my tax return (just kidding IRS)
4. Let my mother live with me
5. Stop complaining
6. Watch a Steven Segal movie all the way through
7. Give up coffee
8. Have a colonoscopy
9. Eat the brain of anything
10. Kiss Michael Moore on the lips

With the exception of the last one, I have a good chance of surviving this. Number 10 would require counseling and Penicillin, so I’m going to shelve that one for now. Of course, there are probably fifty more things I’ll have to add to the list, but I can rest easy it was only flying pigs.

But here it is 2019 and a new election cycle will be upon us soon. Now I have to consider: Things I must do if hell freezes over. Unfortunately, that’s a whole different list.